Posts Tagged ‘Reality TV


The worst shows I saw in 2009

Well, it’s officially nearing the end of the fucked up 2009 year, and what better way to end it all then a review of some of the lousy shows I was unfortunate enough to be watching over the years. I’m only including shows that I started watching this year, which means that shows I know have been around longer, such as Sons of Anarchy are on here because this is the first year I watched them. It will also be the last year I watch them.

The Ten Worst shows I’ve seen in 2009

10. Ghost Hunters

This show had a good concept, but a disappointing follow-through. Essentially, two Roto-rooters moonlight as freelance ghost hunters, going into haunted places and seeing what’s inside. Unlike a happy meal, the results are usually dullsville. The defining clip for me was when the two main hunters were trying to coax out a ghost child, set down a ball for it to play with, and sat down, asking if the kid wanted to play with the ball. This went on for 5 minutes, and the ball didn’t even move, all the while we see the two idiots staring at the ball sitting on folding chairs talking.

MTV’s Fear remains the best scare show ever. I hope they bring it back.

9. Hawthorne
Talk about unrealistic. While most medical shows seem to have doctors doing what nurses usually do, Hawthorne reverses the cycle, with a nurse that seems to be head of the pack, despite the fact that there’s a million different pieces of crap running around her. Hawthorne is basically Eureka, only the plot twists suck balls.

8. Sons of Anarchy
The only thing this show had going for me was the fact that the majority of filming is done in my hometown of Tujunga. Unfortunately, the film does a good job hiding my town under the town name of “Charming.” (If you’ve ever been to Tujunga, you know the town is anything BUT charming. )

7. The Cleaveland Show

This show is basically Family Guy with a black protagonist. It’s the same tired gags and style of cartoon Seth MacFarlane farts out on Family Guy, but with a twist: It’s Cleaveland, and his new kids, and a bear that looks and acts way too much like Peter Griffin.

6. Fantasy Factory
Unfortunately, not all of MTV is known to be good programming. Take Rob Dyrdek. Please. Tons of money, and no clue how to spend it, so he decides he’s going to ride horses, build huge ass skateboards, and be a general moron. At least he made a skate park in downtown L.A. Maybe he can donate some more money to people that actually COULD use it properly.

5. Parking Wars

Are people REALLY that desperate for reality TV ideas? So desperate that we have to film meter maids nailing people with parking tickets, and the ensuing rage from the victims? What is the point of this show? If it’s to get people to empathize with the meter maids, it’s not working. In fact, it makes me hate them even more. “People hate me and beat me up for writing tickets.” “Nobody likes me.” “I’m just a person trying to support myself.” Fuck you. You knew what you were getting into. I have no fucking sympathy, OR EMPATHY, for meter morons.

Numbers 4 through 1 are all available on The “Learning” Channel, where they’ll learn you some shit. A lot of shit.

4. 18 and Counting

The Duggers. They married. They’re Baptist, and they have 18 FUCKING KIDS! Actually, make that 19. Oh wait, now it’s 20. It’s like a virus! 21 and Counting has an absurdly stupid premise. What 22 and counting does is that it essentially takes everything you hate about Octomom and throws a whole bunch of other shit people found in the closet from Hell. It’s irritating to see these people’s lives on 23 and counting as they go about their regular lives. TLC decided that shit like this is good thanks to Octomom, and thus 24 and Counting was born. Next up on TLC’s reality list: The Forest Lawn Hood, starring Michael Jackson. Right after 25 and Counting.

3. Jon and Kate Plus eight

I think I’ve said everything that needs to be said about this pile of diarrhea dogshit.

2. Toddlers and Tiaras

Whoever came up with the idea for this show should be brought out into the street, be forced to wear a dress, and be forced to do the truffle shuffle while someone shoots a gun at their feet, all to something from either Flogging Molly or The Tossers. (At the very least, the people need a visit from Jigsaw.) This is quite possibly the worst show I have ever seen. Not only is it pointless, not only is it stupid, and not only does it piss me off, it also offends every bone in my body (And I can think of a few feminists out there that are filled with rage from this.) The mere fact that mothers (and it seems to only be mothers) insist on these kids dressing up like their grown-up counterparts is sickening, and is a sign of American dysfunction. I’m not even going to get into the pedophile fodder argument…..

1. Birth Day

I thought Toddlers and Tiaras was bad. And then I saw this monstrosity. Note that most of this list was FINISHED when I saw this horror, so for it to zoom ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP reflects the mere horror this is.

Ok. If you’re been around the net like I have, you’ve seen Goatse, Tubgirl, 2girls1cup and the like. Nothing like that could ever be on Cable TV, right?


Enter “Birth Day.” Apparently, some exec at TLC though that there should be a show all about the birthing process. And that the show should describe EVERYTHING in EXPLICIT DETAIL! I caught a few glimpses of this show before running out on an errand. I wish I had just walked out of the door. Right on the TV, in a view so big it could be viewable from New York, was the head of this baby popping out of the mother’s…area.

My thoughts and comments upon seeing that can be summoned in five words:


GGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY EYES!!!! MY EYES!!!!!!!!!!


If ANYONE tells you that the birthing process is beautiful, they’re either lying to you or are delirious.

To think that this crap made it onto Cable TV, and the fucking censors approved it, shows that the TLC Censors are…
A: Grossly Incompetent
B: Batshit Insane
C: Secretly trying to cause the destruction of the channel
D: Bribed or Blackmailed

I hope to God it’s C, for all of us.

Honorable mentions – Dr. Oz

I’ve never heard of this guy, but something about him seriously scares me.

– King of the Crown

This just premiered, yet something tells me I’ll be seeing this on the 2010 list.


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